[ we're just jumping into it, here - somehow, you're in the memory fuckhouse, and there's a memory playing over the glass, vibrant and loud. if you can, watch the videoclips to go with it because the voice acting does really make it so much better.
The ship is deathly quiet.
You have good hearing - so much that sometimes it hurts to stand in the middle of a crowd of people. You have never heard this ship, or any of the Xianzhou ships, fall this silent. A bad omen.
You have a good sense of smell, too. You could smell the borisin that crept their way onto the ship like vermin, digging their claws into the metal and peeling it away to release their leader. There was not much you could do. You told Feixiao. You led the young ones, too young, the children with swords and no dreams of anything but serving in battle - you led them to the right conclusion, and you hate yourself for it, but what don't you hate yourself for? That doesn't matter. What does matter is you've laid the groundwork. They will do the rest. Your General, and the future you both want.
Ah, right. Your good sense of smell. You can't smell anything other than blood. It's a good thing you lost most of your taste a long time ago. You imagine the taste of iron would be unbearable, here on the ground in this back alley.
You can't breathe right. It hurts so badly - you've never been very good at suppressing pain, and it blares like the loudest of alarms in your heart. You're a healer, you know what the body's limits are, and you know you're stretching them. You know you don't have long.
You look up at the hulking beast in front of you. He looks a little like you - not you, but your species. He's not. Hoolay is a borisin, but somehow, they've managed to all hide their true visages. He grins down at you, teeth and claws stained red with blood. The blood on his claws is yours, but you don't want to think about why his teeth are stained.
"Secrets are a weapon that a hunter cannot live without," Hoolay is saying. "Those who have no secrets are no more than prey, cut open and waiting for death."
You drag in a breath. Choke on it a little.
"What you’re saying is, in your eyes, I am not more than prey that has exhausted all of its secrets, and is simply awaiting its death?" You ask, staring down at the floor rather than Hoolay. Already, there's darkness curling at the edges of your sight, and you know that isn't because you're dying. A side effect.
"Do you think you have some other escape route? Jiaoqiu, I have already peeled back your disguises and defenses layer by layer. I know all the secrets that you and your general have buried so deep," Hoolay growls, voice amused. He thinks he knows. You told him nothing that would hurt your people. You told him things that could sound like secrets, but weren't. That is what you're good for - a clever tongue, quick to lie and persuade. It's all you're good for.
Well. There's one other thing.
"But you have told me all of your secrets too, Warhead," You murmur, eyes still on the floor. Not out of any sense of submissiveness. You simply don't want the borisin to be the last thing you see.
Hoolay laughs. "But you will never have a chance to use them. You will be buried with them right here. Although, you are a fortunate one... After all, you will avoid having to see the tragic future that awaits your general. I'm sure she understands her fate far better than you ever will. One day on the battlefield, she will be overpowered by her ever-intensifying Moon Rage, and finally be torn apart by her own fury and transformation."
He talks too much, you think. But that's alright. That's what you want. You want time. The longer he is here, gloating over you, the longer your General has time to come up with a plan.
"Not even your God can save her from this fate. Although... THEY can lead her to liberation. And the only way to save her is here, in my hands."
Another bloody grin. You huff, and cough, just a little.
"Are you the healer or am I? Are you really that certain of your own judgement?" You ask, idly. Your voice is starting to fail you. It feels like gravel, like trying to enunciate around marbles in your mouth. Gingerly, you rest a hand on your torso, where the worst of the claw wounds are, and turn your head a little, looking out over the wall. Past Hoolay. To the sky, to the world outside this alley, to the sister-ship of your people. You look at the sky.
"I must leave, foxian," Hoolay says, shifting his weight. "But before I go, you know what I must do, don't you?"
And weakly, you reply: "Drink bloodwine... I hear it is a borisin custom to kill prisoners and drink their blood before battle to stir up their madness."
"You really did put hard work into researching us. It is a shame that this is where your journey ends."
And he moves forward. You flinch, knowing what's coming, but it's okay, it's alright, this is your plan. He's right, you did do your research. You knew, since telling Moze to run in the prison, that this might be the outcome, and you are at peace. It's going to hurt, though.
And it does. Hoolay rips into you. Tears flesh from your neck, your torso, like a wild animal. Frenzied, with razor sharp teeth and claws that dig into your arms to keep you still, to stop you from reflexively trying to get away. You can't help yourself - it hurts, you're being mauled, and you cry out, voice ragged and raw, breaking on your screams. Nobody can hear you. Nobody comes to help you.
Hoolay eats and drinks his fill, and tosses you to the ground, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. He must figure there's no point to killing you outright, or perhaps he doesn't even realize you're still alive. He's driven mad by the smell of blood, the taste of blood, and he lets out a roar of laughter before bounding off towards battle - towards Feixiao, your General.
You are left alone, in an alleyway full of bodies.
Clinically, you know you're seconds from death. You can almost see the autopsy report. Bite wounds that extend over a large area, from the patient's neck to his chest. Fractured clavicle. Toxins in the wounds caused flesh to decay and atrophy. Disturbed blood circulation, massive internal bleeding, neurological atrophy, optic neuropathy. Damage to the liver and kidney, impaired lymphatic and immune system. The only part of that report that was Hoolay's fault are the bites, though. The rest was your own doing.
You smile, weakly, opening your eyes to look at the sky one more time.
Enjoy the taste of my fresh blood... Hoolay. Unfortunately, I am not a man without secrets. I still have one little secret hidden up my sleeve.
Your vision is nearly gone. The sky is a smear of pristine blue.
Tumbledust... I drank it a while ago, and the poison is already flowing through my veins. Sooner or later, you will begin to feel the effects. If the most lethal poison known to this world is able to save innocent lives... then it can also be called a great medicine.
You close your eyes for the last time.
I will do my best to cure you... Feixiao, I kept my promise. At the cost of this insignificant life. Bring victory to the Yaoqing.
[ he glances in claude's direction - not directly at him, just in his direction. ]
War requires a lot of its soldiers. [ he says, tail swishing back and forth. ] I would do it again, if necessary. Feixiao's life is more important than mine by a longshot - she'll save our people.
You're not usually the type for self-flagellation or wallowing in self-pity, but this is a blow that takes a moment longer than usual to recover from.
There's a contradiction inside you, where part of you wants so desperately for your allies to believe in you and your dream that they would fight alongside you, and the other that desperately wants them to prioritize their own lives above all else. It's immature, and childish, unbefitting of a king, but you don't want anyone to die because of you or your mistakes.
Because you want to prove yourself worthy of their trust. Because you don't want to lose the few, precious friends that you have. Because you're afraid that failure proves everyone who hated you as a child right.
Because you loved her.
And there's no amount of research or planning that can undo this. And there's no time with generals and soldiers waiting their next orders, letters to write to the families of your lost soldiers. You've resigned yourself to being more of a king than a person, but Judith deserves better than that. She deserves tears, heartache, a proper funeral. She deserves to be alive.
You can't do any of that. All you can do is carry this grief quietly, and continue marching forward. ]
a long pause, as he grapples with this. it's funny, almost, in a terrible way, because this is how it must feel from the other side. the grief someone feels after losing someone who promised to support you in battle, who advised you and took care of you, in so many ways.
silence, for a moment, and then he reaches and rests a hand on claude's arm. ]
It is. [ His heart still breaks to this knowing that he won't see her again. That because of him... ] But... the timing seems kind of pointed [ almost like some ooc hand orchestrated this ] but I don't want you to feel guilty or anything about your general mourning you.
It's a leader's job to bear the loss of their fallen soldiers.
It's... important to see, I think. [ he says at length. ] To know how badly it hurts a leader when their soldiers are lost to them.
It's a reminder that even leaders grieve. [ ... ] I know that I am the worst person to suggest this, but I hope you allow yourself to feel her loss. She seemed important to you.
I suppose I can't say much about that without sounding like a hypocrite. [ ... ] There isn't a right way to do it, other than letting yourself feel it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w3, MONDAY
and then the room is silent. ]
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Even the lengths he was forced to take to help his people. ]
... Sorry for intruding again.
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jiaoqiu takes in a deep breath, and then exhales. ]
It's alright. It isn't anything you haven't seen, in a sense. [ ... ] My apologies for making you relive it.
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[ Frowning. ]
I suppose I should call you a remarkable soldier... But I wish you hadn't had to sacrifice yourself like that.
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War requires a lot of its soldiers. [ he says, tail swishing back and forth. ] I would do it again, if necessary. Feixiao's life is more important than mine by a longshot - she'll save our people.
But thank you, I suppose.
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But with that, it gives Feixiao an advantage in her inevitable fight against him.
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By the way, are you blind?
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like, yes, the memory very much leads to this conclusion, but also: ]
-- Aeons, what a way to ask. [ helplessly laughing ]
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I don't really know how to convey that I wish you didn't have to go through such a thing so I just... changed the topic?
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I appreciate it, Claude. [ it's not the worst reaction he's gotten, he doesn't mind. and after a moment: ]
... Only mostly blind, but not entirely. I promise that it changes nothing.
[ he's still useful. ]
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[ Flicks his forehead quickly. ]
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Ow.
[ >:( ]
It does not change my ability to contribute. Do not treat me differently.
[ his PRIDE ]
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[ Even though Jiaoqiu is a healer. ]
So. When you go back... you plan to see an end to the fight with Hoolay?
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... I do. Or rather, I plan to see Feixiao handle him.
[ also give me a memory back in this thread :E ]
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[ He's kind of jealous?
But anyway, the mirrors will wake up and start to play another memory, on another battlefield.
—Judith is dead.
You're not usually the type for self-flagellation or wallowing in self-pity, but this is a blow that takes a moment longer than usual to recover from.
There's a contradiction inside you, where part of you wants so desperately for your allies to believe in you and your dream that they would fight alongside you, and the other that desperately wants them to prioritize their own lives above all else. It's immature, and childish, unbefitting of a king, but you don't want anyone to die because of you or your mistakes.
Because you want to prove yourself worthy of their trust. Because you don't want to lose the few, precious friends that you have. Because you're afraid that failure proves everyone who hated you as a child right.
Because you loved her.
And there's no amount of research or planning that can undo this. And there's no time with generals and soldiers waiting their next orders, letters to write to the families of your lost soldiers. You've resigned yourself to being more of a king than a person, but Judith deserves better than that. She deserves tears, heartache, a proper funeral. She deserves to be alive.
You can't do any of that. All you can do is carry this grief quietly, and continue marching forward. ]
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a long pause, as he grapples with this. it's funny, almost, in a terrible way, because this is how it must feel from the other side. the grief someone feels after losing someone who promised to support you in battle, who advised you and took care of you, in so many ways.
silence, for a moment, and then he reaches and rests a hand on claude's arm. ]
... I'm sorry. That is a heavy loss to bear.
[ before anything. ]
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It is. [ His heart still breaks to this knowing that he won't see her again. That because of him... ] But... the timing seems kind of pointed [ almost like some ooc hand orchestrated this ] but I don't want you to feel guilty or anything about your general mourning you.
It's a leader's job to bear the loss of their fallen soldiers.
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It's... important to see, I think. [ he says at length. ] To know how badly it hurts a leader when their soldiers are lost to them.
It's a reminder that even leaders grieve. [ ... ] I know that I am the worst person to suggest this, but I hope you allow yourself to feel her loss. She seemed important to you.
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[ Actually, are they? Hm.
At the suggestion, he just shakes his head, ] I don't know. I don't know if I actually know how to grieve someone.
[ There hadn't been time. And there's hardly any time here, either. ]
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jiaoqiu watches him for a moment. ]
I suppose I can't say much about that without sounding like a hypocrite. [ ... ] There isn't a right way to do it, other than letting yourself feel it.
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[ Turning it around. ]
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... No, but I did not advertise myself as a role model.
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