You're not usually the type for self-flagellation or wallowing in self-pity, but this is a blow that takes a moment longer than usual to recover from.
There's a contradiction inside you, where part of you wants so desperately for your allies to believe in you and your dream that they would fight alongside you, and the other that desperately wants them to prioritize their own lives above all else. It's immature, and childish, unbefitting of a king, but you don't want anyone to die because of you or your mistakes.
Because you want to prove yourself worthy of their trust. Because you don't want to lose the few, precious friends that you have. Because you're afraid that failure proves everyone who hated you as a child right.
Because you loved her.
And there's no amount of research or planning that can undo this. And there's no time with generals and soldiers waiting their next orders, letters to write to the families of your lost soldiers. You've resigned yourself to being more of a king than a person, but Judith deserves better than that. She deserves tears, heartache, a proper funeral. She deserves to be alive.
You can't do any of that. All you can do is carry this grief quietly, and continue marching forward. ]
a long pause, as he grapples with this. it's funny, almost, in a terrible way, because this is how it must feel from the other side. the grief someone feels after losing someone who promised to support you in battle, who advised you and took care of you, in so many ways.
silence, for a moment, and then he reaches and rests a hand on claude's arm. ]
It is. [ His heart still breaks to this knowing that he won't see her again. That because of him... ] But... the timing seems kind of pointed [ almost like some ooc hand orchestrated this ] but I don't want you to feel guilty or anything about your general mourning you.
It's a leader's job to bear the loss of their fallen soldiers.
It's... important to see, I think. [ he says at length. ] To know how badly it hurts a leader when their soldiers are lost to them.
It's a reminder that even leaders grieve. [ ... ] I know that I am the worst person to suggest this, but I hope you allow yourself to feel her loss. She seemed important to you.
I suppose I can't say much about that without sounding like a hypocrite. [ ... ] There isn't a right way to do it, other than letting yourself feel it.
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I appreciate it, Claude. [ it's not the worst reaction he's gotten, he doesn't mind. and after a moment: ]
... Only mostly blind, but not entirely. I promise that it changes nothing.
[ he's still useful. ]
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[ Flicks his forehead quickly. ]
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Ow.
[ >:( ]
It does not change my ability to contribute. Do not treat me differently.
[ his PRIDE ]
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[ Even though Jiaoqiu is a healer. ]
So. When you go back... you plan to see an end to the fight with Hoolay?
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... I do. Or rather, I plan to see Feixiao handle him.
[ also give me a memory back in this thread :E ]
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[ He's kind of jealous?
But anyway, the mirrors will wake up and start to play another memory, on another battlefield.
—Judith is dead.
You're not usually the type for self-flagellation or wallowing in self-pity, but this is a blow that takes a moment longer than usual to recover from.
There's a contradiction inside you, where part of you wants so desperately for your allies to believe in you and your dream that they would fight alongside you, and the other that desperately wants them to prioritize their own lives above all else. It's immature, and childish, unbefitting of a king, but you don't want anyone to die because of you or your mistakes.
Because you want to prove yourself worthy of their trust. Because you don't want to lose the few, precious friends that you have. Because you're afraid that failure proves everyone who hated you as a child right.
Because you loved her.
And there's no amount of research or planning that can undo this. And there's no time with generals and soldiers waiting their next orders, letters to write to the families of your lost soldiers. You've resigned yourself to being more of a king than a person, but Judith deserves better than that. She deserves tears, heartache, a proper funeral. She deserves to be alive.
You can't do any of that. All you can do is carry this grief quietly, and continue marching forward. ]
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a long pause, as he grapples with this. it's funny, almost, in a terrible way, because this is how it must feel from the other side. the grief someone feels after losing someone who promised to support you in battle, who advised you and took care of you, in so many ways.
silence, for a moment, and then he reaches and rests a hand on claude's arm. ]
... I'm sorry. That is a heavy loss to bear.
[ before anything. ]
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It is. [ His heart still breaks to this knowing that he won't see her again. That because of him... ] But... the timing seems kind of pointed [ almost like some ooc hand orchestrated this ] but I don't want you to feel guilty or anything about your general mourning you.
It's a leader's job to bear the loss of their fallen soldiers.
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It's... important to see, I think. [ he says at length. ] To know how badly it hurts a leader when their soldiers are lost to them.
It's a reminder that even leaders grieve. [ ... ] I know that I am the worst person to suggest this, but I hope you allow yourself to feel her loss. She seemed important to you.
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[ Actually, are they? Hm.
At the suggestion, he just shakes his head, ] I don't know. I don't know if I actually know how to grieve someone.
[ There hadn't been time. And there's hardly any time here, either. ]
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jiaoqiu watches him for a moment. ]
I suppose I can't say much about that without sounding like a hypocrite. [ ... ] There isn't a right way to do it, other than letting yourself feel it.
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[ Turning it around. ]
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... No, but I did not advertise myself as a role model.
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[ ~ nihility ~ ]
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Think of it as becoming more and more immune to spice. It takes more of it to slow me down.
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[ like building up an immunity to feeling, only he just shuts down if he feels too much. wow this is just scien, what a terrifying realization ]