Pain is a gift. But that isn't because you need to "feel your emotions" to recover or that you're be healthier in the end, or anything like that. The point is the pain itself. The point is loss. To suffer so deeply that you no longer seek to escape it, to hope for tomorrow. To embrace it, lose yourself to it.
I think this mission I've been on recently is the first time I've been away from the cloister in a very long time. [though she says "I think," like she isn't certain about it.] I found myself reconsidering a lot of what I was taught. We have problems that are incredibly dangerous and time sensitive, but the area we're traveling through is rough. There are many refugees trying to make their way, and many bands of cruel people who would see them robbed and killed. It's not as though I saw a world out there that made me reconsider her teachings, believe in beautiful and nice things.
And I'm not trying to say I'm a nice person, either. It's easy enough for me to say, it is not practical to help these people, we do not have time or resources, and they must fend for themselves. But Lady Shar doesn't want pragmatism, she wants cruelty. She'd sooner see me help them meet their end. That's the part I don't think I'm cut out for.
[well. she's drinking and they're sitting up here and talking about the things she knows she's not supposed to be talking about, the things she avoids telling anyone about, so. she might as well just tell the rest of it, too.]
That's not quite it. [she drums her fingers against the ground, restless.] I did defy Lady Shar. I was tasked with killing one of her enemies, but I didn't want to. The woman - she seemed to know things about me that I didn't know about myself, and I chose to pursue my desire for answers instead of my faith. And I knew when I made that decision, I was risking being thrown out, being abandoned by her forever, and I was - not fine with it, but the fear of that didn't stop my hand.
It's only that, I'm not sure I was meant to die for it. The circumstances were a little unusual, and between that and certain signs and portents, it made me wonder if she wasn't giving me a chance to win my way back into her good graces.
If I have a chance to undo what I did, maybe I want to take it. But maybe I don't.
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I'm still working out which one it is.
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[taking a drink. she's just being difficult, though.]
It's not going well, I'm dead and in heaven for a different god, but it's bad here.
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[ He says it back lightly, no offense taken. ]
Well, you can't expect reevaluating your belief system to be a journey you can predict.
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[she sighs.]
I think this mission I've been on recently is the first time I've been away from the cloister in a very long time. [though she says "I think," like she isn't certain about it.] I found myself reconsidering a lot of what I was taught. We have problems that are incredibly dangerous and time sensitive, but the area we're traveling through is rough. There are many refugees trying to make their way, and many bands of cruel people who would see them robbed and killed. It's not as though I saw a world out there that made me reconsider her teachings, believe in beautiful and nice things.
And I'm not trying to say I'm a nice person, either. It's easy enough for me to say, it is not practical to help these people, we do not have time or resources, and they must fend for themselves. But Lady Shar doesn't want pragmatism, she wants cruelty. She'd sooner see me help them meet their end. That's the part I don't think I'm cut out for.
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But weren't you rescued by her followers? Didn't they show you kindness as they raised you? Or is that cruelty reserved for non-devotees?
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It's not... the point is not to hurt people, it's to help them embrace loss. But it's the effect.
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What happens if you find you can't reconcile yourself with the teachings?
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[so. nothing? bad stuff, mostly. entirely just bad.]
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[ bro? ]
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[it's not great!]
Honestly, only killing me is a mercy.
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[ as much as it matters now ]
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That's not quite it. [she drums her fingers against the ground, restless.] I did defy Lady Shar. I was tasked with killing one of her enemies, but I didn't want to. The woman - she seemed to know things about me that I didn't know about myself, and I chose to pursue my desire for answers instead of my faith. And I knew when I made that decision, I was risking being thrown out, being abandoned by her forever, and I was - not fine with it, but the fear of that didn't stop my hand.
It's only that, I'm not sure I was meant to die for it. The circumstances were a little unusual, and between that and certain signs and portents, it made me wonder if she wasn't giving me a chance to win my way back into her good graces.
If I have a chance to undo what I did, maybe I want to take it. But maybe I don't.
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Did you get any answers before they got you, at least?
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[a bitter, angry laugh. that's the worst fucking part! it wasn't worth it at all!]
That awful woman! She hinted things so ominously at me and then after I saved her damn life she flew away and said we'd talk later! The worst!
[she knows it is not really aylin's fault here but damn girl what a bitch]
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[ Obviously this was a terrible moment in her life, but, like, it DOES suck. ]
You don't think your goddess will forgive another attempt of you trying to wheedle answers out of her, do you?
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No. She won't. I'm surprised if she's willing to forgive the first attempt.
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Have you gotten any guidance from the people here?
[ feels like anders would have opinions ]
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[deflecting. also i think this pc is from saturday week 1 so anders is elsewhere.]
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Well... There's a lot of experiences and perspectives here.