heaven / shadowheart

[midway]

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[sacredpath]

I do know we're both upset. I'd be worried if we weren't. That was awful.

[midway]

And it's not going to get much better tomorrow.

But we'll just go back to business as usual the following day. It's kind of surreal.

[sacredpath]

[she laughs at that, nodding.]

I can't stand that part of it. Having to move on so fast. But what else can we do? Standing around knowing we're both sad for weeks at a time?

[midway]

Hard to stay sad when we there's beautiful new locations and fun new drinks to try, hm?

[ A little wry. ]

But honestly, it's nothing new anyway. I don't know about you, but time to grieve usually never made it into my diary.

[sacredpath]

...We have many prayers for grief. We believe grief is a gift, and we thank Shar for it. It brings people closer to her, makes them more willing to accept her embrace.

[midway]

[ Oh, he looks curious. ]

Do you believe that?

[sacredpath]

Of course.

[drumming her fingers uncomfortably on the ground.]

But I don't think most of the people here would be helped by it.

[midway]

By being closer to Shar? Maybe not.

[ Probably not. ]

But I don't disagree with the sentiment that grief can be a gift, at least.

[sacredpath]

I think you probably mean it differently than we do.

[slightly muttered, like it's a comment that's off the cuff from drinking a bit too much.]

I don't think the way we mean it helps anyone much.

[midway]

How do you mean it then?

[sacredpath]

Pain is a gift. But that isn't because you need to "feel your emotions" to recover or that you're be healthier in the end, or anything like that. The point is the pain itself. The point is loss. To suffer so deeply that you no longer seek to escape it, to hope for tomorrow. To embrace it, lose yourself to it.

[midway]

... Why? Why would they teach that living is meant to be suffering?

[sacredpath]

Good question. The answer is either "because it's true," or else it must be "because you must believe that to worship Shar."

I'm still working out which one it is.

[midway]

And how's that going?

[sacredpath]

You're making fun of me.

[taking a drink. she's just being difficult, though.]

It's not going well, I'm dead and in heaven for a different god, but it's bad here.

[midway]

I'm being genuine.

[ He says it back lightly, no offense taken. ]

Well, you can't expect reevaluating your belief system to be a journey you can predict.

[sacredpath]

True.

[she sighs.]

I think this mission I've been on recently is the first time I've been away from the cloister in a very long time. [though she says "I think," like she isn't certain about it.] I found myself reconsidering a lot of what I was taught. We have problems that are incredibly dangerous and time sensitive, but the area we're traveling through is rough. There are many refugees trying to make their way, and many bands of cruel people who would see them robbed and killed. It's not as though I saw a world out there that made me reconsider her teachings, believe in beautiful and nice things.

And I'm not trying to say I'm a nice person, either. It's easy enough for me to say, it is not practical to help these people, we do not have time or resources, and they must fend for themselves. But Lady Shar doesn't want pragmatism, she wants cruelty. She'd sooner see me help them meet their end. That's the part I don't think I'm cut out for.

[midway]

. . .

But weren't you rescued by her followers? Didn't they show you kindness as they raised you? Or is that cruelty reserved for non-devotees?

[sacredpath]

I was rescued by her followers, yes. I presume I was treated with kindness. Maybe it's different for devotees.

It's not... the point is not to hurt people, it's to help them embrace loss. But it's the effect.

[midway]

[ Nodding. ]

What happens if you find you can't reconcile yourself with the teachings?

[sacredpath]

It isn't a good idea to defy Lady Shar. The harshest judgment comes to followers who abandon her.

[so. nothing? bad stuff, mostly. entirely just bad.]

[midway]

So they'll kill you?

[ bro? ]

[sacredpath]

I'm here, aren't I?

[it's not great!]

Honestly, only killing me is a mercy.

[midway]

But you haven't even defected yet. Wasn't killing you a little premature?

[ as much as it matters now ]

[sacredpath]

[well. she's drinking and they're sitting up here and talking about the things she knows she's not supposed to be talking about, the things she avoids telling anyone about, so. she might as well just tell the rest of it, too.]

That's not quite it. [she drums her fingers against the ground, restless.] I did defy Lady Shar. I was tasked with killing one of her enemies, but I didn't want to. The woman - she seemed to know things about me that I didn't know about myself, and I chose to pursue my desire for answers instead of my faith. And I knew when I made that decision, I was risking being thrown out, being abandoned by her forever, and I was - not fine with it, but the fear of that didn't stop my hand.

It's only that, I'm not sure I was meant to die for it. The circumstances were a little unusual, and between that and certain signs and portents, it made me wonder if she wasn't giving me a chance to win my way back into her good graces.

If I have a chance to undo what I did, maybe I want to take it. But maybe I don't.