[well. she's drinking and they're sitting up here and talking about the things she knows she's not supposed to be talking about, the things she avoids telling anyone about, so. she might as well just tell the rest of it, too.]

That's not quite it. [she drums her fingers against the ground, restless.] I did defy Lady Shar. I was tasked with killing one of her enemies, but I didn't want to. The woman - she seemed to know things about me that I didn't know about myself, and I chose to pursue my desire for answers instead of my faith. And I knew when I made that decision, I was risking being thrown out, being abandoned by her forever, and I was - not fine with it, but the fear of that didn't stop my hand.

It's only that, I'm not sure I was meant to die for it. The circumstances were a little unusual, and between that and certain signs and portents, it made me wonder if she wasn't giving me a chance to win my way back into her good graces.

If I have a chance to undo what I did, maybe I want to take it. But maybe I don't.